Posting and crap

Um, well, I'm not supposed to be doing pre-calc homework. No, I'm supposed to be writing a monologue for playwriting and I need to get my "mis-match day" outfit ready or I won't do it in the morning, but I'm so damned tired. I legit fell asleep earlier watching TV before dinner. I mean, who does that? Old people, that's who. I'm not old. I'm 17 for chrissakes, but I'm still exhausted on a regular basis. Maybe this is why. And maybe marching band? Ugh. Band. It's so stupid. My director is a special kind of ass, because he thinks he's right all the time even when it's totally obvious he's wrong. But I don't want to complain about band because I've been complaining about band all day and I'm tired of thinking about it. I want to magically get clean and in my pajamas and contacts out and magic clean fresh sheets instead of the slightly funky ones I've got on the bed now because I'm lying on them before I've had my shower and magically written awesome monologue. Well, it doesn't even have to be awesome. It just has to be decent and a page long. Maybe I'll just jack a post from the blog for it. Ugh. So tired.

READ THIS IN A FEW YEARS.

We'll get to this title of this below because I don't feel like re-writing the entire freaking post for where I ended up.

My school laptop is so fucking slow. And the only reason I use it on a semi-regular basis is because my access to the home computer is extremely limited. My parents put a password on the only account on the thing, and I don't know it. So the only time I can go on is when 1.) my mom isn't pitching a bitch fit and complaining about how the only thing she hears about is "Can I go on the computer?!" (but ya know, if she didn't put a stupid password on it, I wouldn't ask her) 2.) my dad isn't bellowing at the top of his voice like a wounded bull elephant about the damn computer and viruses and the bookface and everything else he doesn't know about the stupid thing 3.) nobody else is on the computer and 4.) I can actually get my mother (because it would actually, literally kill my dad to log it on for me)to log it on because she's not refusing to type in the goddamn password in a fit of pique and feelings of under-appreciation.
In other news, let's talk music. I was at band practice the other day (when am I not at band practice? Really) and I was standing next to Nathan and he or I said something about being lost so I sang badly a bit of the chorus to the song Lost! by Coldplay and he practically died of excitement because I knew the song. Then I thought about how I go on these musical kicks where I'm super into a band or singer and I only listen to them for a while and then I move on. Anyone else do that? Well, I'm on a bit of a Coldplay kick right now, and I keep listening to this one song over and over and I keep waiting to get tired of it but I haven't yet. I'm sure it'll happen, but I've done Coldplay like this before so I think they're here (in my brain) to stay. The fact that I get a metaphorical musical boner from Chris Martin's singing doesn't hurt their case either. (OMFG I JUST TYPED THERE FOR THEIR WTF IS WRONG WITH ME)
Then I was listening to the Glee (oh, the shame! Not really. I have a weird relationship with Glee. I know it's not very good really, but I can't help loving it) cover of Somewhere Only We Know and I was just thinking about how Darren Criss's voice gives me an actual, literal lady boner in addition to the metaphorical musical one and also I was wondering why he can't sing that low all the time. Well, I know why. It's because if he did, every single fertile female in America Glee-watching countries would get pregnant and there would be a huge population boom of incredibly attractive, musically talented children and that would make the hunger problem even worse and it would just be bad. So he can just come sing that low all the time for me, and I'll bear dozens of his children and wow this post is getting real creepy real quick. #don'tgiveadamn
I don't know if that's actually how those # Twitter things work, but from what I've seen it's just like an amusing ending to the sentence of phrase. #alsodon'tgiveadamn
OH! Speaking of incredibly sexy man voices, the activities director (who was extremelyhot and 24) at CHA this year sang The Temptation of Adam at the last Spotlight and every single female in that place nearly jumped his bones as soon as he opened his mouth and started singing. I mean, DAMN. Dude's got skills. And my poor roommate. She'd been in love with him since about the 3rd day, and I could practically see her drooling and struggling to remain in her seat and not leap up and make a declaration of love. I mean, I was on the other Team and I was trying to control my loins. Hahaha. I said loins.
Ok, lemme explain these Teams. (I was not, in fact, a lesbian for 3 weeks.) There were 2 superhawt authority figures at CHA--the activities director and one of the guy RCs. The activities director (hereforth AD) was 24 and rode a bike. And rolled up his pants. Not a lot, just a couple of turns, but he did that with all his pants and you don't know how sexy that can be until you see it. He was also hilarious and flirted with everyone. Which was naaaaice. 

Then you have RC. RC was, in my opinion, the obvious winner of the hotness contest between AD and RC. RC had nerdy sexy glasses and awesome hair and was just all around themostattractivepersonI'veever seeninreallife. I'd even go so far as to say that he was in fact supermegafoxyawesomehot. Oh yeah, AVPM fans. I went there. BUT he didn't flirt with the entire female community so his popularity amongst the ladies of floors 5 and 6 was slightly diminished. BUT he did roll up his pants A LOT into supersexyManCapris which was the hottest damn thing I've ever seen. And he wore suits (SUITS!) to the dress-up things and once he wore a plaid tie (PLAID!) and he had a fucking pocketwatch (he had time in his pocket!) and then the deal-breaker for me was when he wore a tuxedo to the Final Banquet. Yes, ladies, he wore a TUX. With a BOW TIE.(I'm not sure if that's required or a given with a tux but anyway) OMFG I nearly jizzed my pants (except I wore a dress) the whole time I was there because I have a thing for bow ties. As in (with a few exceptions, of course) if a male wears a bow tie in my vicinity, I am instantly attracted to him. BAM. Like that. Believe it.
Um, anyway, after that overly explanatory explanation, we have come to the nub and gist of it. Ladies (or gentlemen) who preferred AD were on Team AD, and ladies (or gentlemen, though I never heard of any) who preferred RC were on Team RC. I think you can probably figure out which one I'm on. (TeamRCTeamRCTeamRC FORTHEWIN)
Le sigh. I need some new music. And also I am literally this close to throwing this damned thing across the room and going the fuck to sleep. It's super slow and doesn't load anything and won't let me on Facebook or porn or Gmail or anything. Kidding, DCPS. Kidding!
I've figured out the problem with my blog posts--they don't have an actual story or point. I mean, I start out on some topic and then I ramble and then I mention CHA and then I end up somewhere completely different. I don't mind, though. These will be interesting to read in several years when I can laugh at my dumb 16 and 17 year old self. Hi, older me! What's it like? Where'd you end up? Are you still a virgin? Please no.
Hah, actual ending to the post? Nope. Just a picture of some awesome sunglasses.

I need someone who understands, I need someone who heals

So I didn't know that that song ('Til Kingdom Come) was a Coldplay song when I heard it at the final Spotlight at CHA and now I'm listening and I want to weep. I don't know if it's just because I'm a hormone-riddled 17 year old female or what, but I have been so mood-swingy lately. Actually, that probably has a lot to do with it. Like, yesterday and they days before I was all "I am the biggest boss the world has ever seen and you mortals should worship at my feet" but not in an excessively rude way, and today I'm just like "I suck at life, someone come ship me off to outer Mongolia so I don't have to inflict my awkward-ass self on you gods". URGH it sucks.
You know, I've been kidding myself lately by thinking that the worst of missing CHA was over. I mean, I obviously post about it all the time, and now that I most likely can't go to the reunion, it just hurts more. I always counted on being able to go, but the stupid band competition is that day and I would totally miss hosting a band to see them all, but my mom doesn't want me to. And considering the fact that she'd probably have to drive me down there, her approval kind of matters. I'm doing a really bad job of explaining why I miss it so damned much, but that's because there is literally no way to describe how it was and what it meant to me then and what it means now. Missing something this badly is a completely new experience for me. The closest thing to this is when my grandmother would come to visit from Pennsylvania or New Jersey or wherever she was, and then would leave as one does at the end of visits. Ugh, sob sob sob, cry cry cry. Stupid hormones.

Why do I always blog when I'm trying to do pre-calc homework?

And I just realized I need my calculator for this, so I'm going to get it.
Ugh, now I have to pee like crazy. And I opened up my mints to get one because peppermint stimulates the brain (or something like that) and I need some stimulation if I'm going to get all this biznitch done, and 3 fell into my mouth instead of one. So I spit one back into the container, which I realize may be slightly unsanitary, but you know what? I don't give an f-word. Yeah, I'm gonna pee.
'Kay, back from peeing.I know I talked the other day about how missing CHA was kind of pointless because it doesn't do anything, but that doesn't mean sometimes I miss every single one of those crazy kids like, well, crazy. Seriously, I can't even describe how completely awesome those 3 weeks were. I mean, here I am, something like a month and a half after it ended and my chest still gets all tight and I feel a bit like crying occasionally when I think about them because I miss them all so goddamned much. Last night I actually had a dream about CHA. I've had several in the past but they'd kind of stopped, but then last night I dreamed we were all in 1890's Chicago and I wrote a book about my CHA experience, but then the book, along with a piece of my jewelry that looked like a necklace I got in Murray, were stolen and we all ran around looking for them very quickly because we were getting on a boat and the boat was leaving soon and we couldn't miss the boat. We ended up following a group of people through the back-stage part of a theatre, and a friend and I were separated from the rest of the group because we followed a guy running around a corner and he jumped off a balcony onto a stage below, and then we realized he was an actor at the theatre and we were lost. Anyway, that was my dream.
Urgh. I was going to write this huge long post about my love for the author John Green, but I'm too tired and that damned precalculus is calling my name and saying some very rude things about me so I'm going to have to go beat its ass.

Oh nooooo

Once again...I'm blogging instead of doing my pre-calc homework. Although instead of messing around on YouTube, this time I was pretending I was rich and went on the Ulta website and added anything I wanted to the order basket. I think I got up to $550 before I was done. Something like 25 or 30 nail polishes, an expensive straightener, a mini hair dryer, a new curling iron (all purple, of course), some hot-oil deep conditioning hair treatments for my mom to try, a toning/slimming cream that was called FatGirlSlim so of course I had to get it. Oh, and a thermal pouch for the straightener. And some cool-looking dry shampoo and bronzer and a lipgloss and some sunscreen, I think. It was actually kind of fun, not thinking "Nah, don't get that, it's too much money." At first I was semi-realistic about it. You know, going for the $3 nail polish instead of the $14 nail polish. But then, I thought, "Why not?" I mean, it's not like I can actually buy any of it. It's not like it's going to be magically charged to my mom's card because I clicked "add to cart". I've never done that before. It was kind of fun.
Crap. I'm getting another zit on my chin. It's one of those nasty under-the-skin ones that will never come to the surface but instead lurk beneath and cause me great pain and anxiety. Hahaha...lurking. That's such a funny word. It's one of those that should sound just nasty, like moist and yeast and squat, but I love it anyway. Speaking of lurking, there's been a bit of corn lurking in between my teeth since dinner time and it's driving me absolutely crazy. Urgh. Oh, speaking again of lurking, a bit of draaaama happened today at ye olde marching band practice. I am now the sole horn player. Let me break it down: one switched to baritone to balance out the section because two of them (the baritones) quit, leaving one freshman. The second horn player quit supposedly because her mom wants her to quit because she's going to be in some female relative's wedding and she would miss several contests for "dress fittings", but I think it's because she got mad when the band director told her to go back outside on the field after she sat inside for 40 minutes because she was hot. You know what? It's marching band, in Kentucky, in August. I'd be more worried if it wasn't hot. I mean, she wears dark, heavy clothing to outside practice. She has long, dark hair that she keep continually down around her shoulders and face. She's really pale and skinny and frail-looking anyway, but she refuses to wear lighter clothing and put her hair up and wear a hat, like the director has been harping on since day one. I don't wear a hat at practice, but I have blonde hair and I'm rather sturdy and, perhaps most importantly, I know what I'm doing. I wear shorts and a light shirt and put my hair up and I get lovely and tan. Heat doesn't affect me that badly, so I guess I'm lucky. Or maybe I'm just not a dumbass. Anyway, the third horn player quit because she got a job and apparently she just couldn't work in practices around  her super-strenuous work schedule. But wait! This is the girl who showed up to practice today and sat and watched on the sidelines. Yeah, you read that right. She quit because of her job and then sat at practice doing nothing. (This is where the lurking comes in.) It made me so mad. She said she was waiting on her greasy boyfriend, because he's also in band and I guess was giving her a ride home or wherever. But the fact that she had the balls to come outside and watch the band she should have been participating in just infuriated me, and I told her as much on break. She stormed off the parking lot, and according to a reliable report from my favorite freshman, was bad-mouthing me in the band room afterwards and even said something about her crying because of it. I hope she did. She had no right to sit there and watch when she had just quit because she wasn't going to be able to show up at practice. I mean, does anyone else understand this massive hypocrisy? It's just so blatantly nasty that I could gladly...er...not say anything because of events that recently happened involving a Facebook photo of a rude text, some threatening comments on said photo regarding the sender of said text, said sender's parents, and the school disciplinarian. Nasty stuff all around, and I'm really glad I avoided it. I should really get on that pre-calc homework, because last night I stayed up until 1AM for absolutely no reason other than I was distracted by YouTube videos. It was terrible, and I nearly died dragging my ass out of bed this morning.
Wow. It's amazing how much I write on this thing now that I don't have to.

So I'm back and badder than ever

I know I don't have to blog for English anymore, but I kind of liked it. It won't be anything regular; I'll probably just post when I don't have anything better to do, or when I'm avoiding math homework. Dang, the first day of school and already I'm slacking.
I think I'd like video blogging. I talk to myself a lot (don't look at me like that). It's not that I have legit conversations with myself, it's like I'm planning a conversation I could sometime have with someone. I guess it makes more sense if you think of me talking to the random audience that video bloggers talk to when they do their thing. Anyway, so I'll just sit there thinking to this imaginary person/people and not get anything done. Does anyone else do that?
Anyway, I'm avoiding pre-calc homework. And I'm really starting the school year off well by not making bed before midnight. YESSSSSS
This year my philosophy has changed a bit, though. CHA is really to thank for that. I changed so much during those 3 weeks, but the funny thing is that I didn't realize how different I was until I came home and started interacting with the people I knew before I went away. I used to be so meek and timid and really self-deprecating, I guess, and I don't do that much anymore. It's a change of attitude. I used to be kind of passive about things that went on in my life and ever since CHA I've taken charge more. I tell people what I want instead of hemming and hawing and insinuating what I want with the hope that they will read my mind and know. I guess that's really what I wanted--someone to read my mind, because I made this up this dumb idea that if someone really loves me or likes me, they will automatically know everything about me and know what I'm thinking and I won't have to tell them. It's not really dumb, it's just hugely misguided. For me, anyway. Nobody's going to know what I'm thinking unless I tell them or show them. Really, it's up to me to make myself understood, not just sit around and wait for someone to come "discover" me. I have to get up and put myself out there, which I wasn't doing before I spent the best 3 weeks of my life at Murray with the coolest people I've ever met. I miss it so much, but I'm past the point of sitting and crying because it's over. I miss it hugely, and I acknowledge that, but that's not helping anything. Missing it won't make it come back. Nothing I can say or do will ever take me back to those 3 fantastic weeks where I made great friends and learned so much. So, I'm going to focus on using what I learned there to make my life back here in Owensboro better and not just sitting there letting it go to waste because I miss it. Missing all my friends won't magically transport me to where they are, and it won't bring us all back together one more time. There's the reunion in September, but it's the same day as our home marching band competition and I don't know if I'll be able to make it. I want to go, more than anything, but I have to be here for my band, as well. I'll figure it out, I know that. But back to the point. Instead of moping and crying because my friends aren't around me right now, I want to use what they taught me about myself to make things better for me and for my friends here. I know this sounds hugely cheesy and corny and whatnot, but I honestly don't care, because, like the end of band camp this year, this is real. It's not fake like so many other interactions every single on of us go through every day over and over again. Kissing up to a teacher because you want a better grade. Pretending to sympathize with a girlfriend over her boyfriend troubles when you don't care. Making conversation with people you can't stand because none of your friends are anywhere close. We all do stuff like this, and I'm not saying that it's not necessary, because it is. But things like my marching band and CHA and TIP and all these awesome things aren't like that. They're real.